November 17, 2014

 

        I recently discovered a song that made me think of the way I have felt about myself since my teenage years.  I always felt a darkness in my mind, but when I would ask my mom about depression in my family she would lie and tell me it was all in my head.  I don't know what my mom's thought process was for doing it, but it made me feel even more isolated from the world.  

     When I met my wife I was so afraid that she would see the darkness inside and run away, or hate me for it.  Because of everything I had been through I saw myself as this horrible person that no one could ever care for if they knew who I really was inside.  Ten years later she is still by my side and helps me with my more severe bouts with my depression.  But there is still that fear in the back of my mind.  It was about four years ago that I found out that most of my family also battles depression on a daily basis.  So atleast now I don't feel so alone in my battle.

    But anyway the song I found is Monster by Imagine Dragons, It is now one of many songs I have found to help me cope with my constant battle with my own mind.

     Thanks to anyone who reads this.  And to anyone who ever needs top talk to someone about their battles I can say from experience that it helps to get it out.  And I will gladly listen.  Just comment on this blog and I will be happy to help anyone who needs it.

Laws of the Heart

had my emotions walled off from the world.

And you showed me how to feel again.

So I gave you all I had to give.

Never have you betrayed my trust.

The emotions of life are complicated.

They’re like an amusement park ride that never ends,

and never slows down.

It’s easier to handle when you have somebody riding with you.

There are few unbreakable truths.

To be loved. You must first truly love.

You can only hurt another. Once you have been truly hurt yourself.

These are the major laws of the heart.

The Muse

I stand before you, my soul laid bare.

I feel uncomfortable, but trust you with all of me.

You look back at me not judging me for my sins.

But with understanding, and compassion for my want to change.

How do I move on?

How can I atone for what I have done?

You smile and help me pick up the pieces.

Gently putting me back together.

You show me I’m not alone anymore.

You don’t care where I have been.

You don’t hate me for what I’ve done.

You only see the best parts of me.

The parts I can’t find myself anymore.

I take your hand.

You take my heart.

Together we walk the path to my redemption.

Together we find the way.

The way to happiness.

You lead me back when I stray.

And show me who I truly am.

You are my own muse.

Cycle of the Storms

The grass sways in the wind.  a storm is coming.

The scent of the rain hangs on the spring breeze, announcing the coming storm.

Thunder rolls in the distance like bombs in the sky.

Lightning flashes, illuminating everything for brief moments.

As the storm creeps closer, the world gets quiet.

Nature holds it’s breath.

preparing for the impending plunge.

The rain starts like a faucet with a small leak.

A small drip here or there.

The Thunder roars right over head.

As the next bolt strikes the downpour starts.

It’s the nature of things.

The storm comes through to clean the world.

Rain falls heavier still.

giving new life to all it touches

When the rain has stopped, and the thunder quieted.

The earth is left fresh.

Animals emerge from their dens and hiding spots.

They survey the new world.

Nature can begin it’s cycle again.

World Of Shadows

I stand alone in a world of shadows.  No one but featureless beings moving around me to mock my existence.  Am I the only one here? There has to be someone else somewhere.

The isolation tears at my sanity, begging me to end it.  I would if I had the strength.  

I get a glimpse of light in the distance sometimes, always just out of reach.  I used to chase it, hoping to find it’s source.  Now I realize it’s just my imagination haunting me with hope.

I claw at the walls and earth around me in desperation. I need to find something, anything.  I know the definition of insanity, but I can feel salvation just beyond my reach.

I snap awake to find myself covered in sweat.  I roll over and there she is, my salvation, my hope.  She doesn’t judge me for my weakness, but encourages me to see me strength.  Then she covers me in her walls of comfort.  For awhile I am immune.  But I know the shadows lay  just beyond my eyelids, waiting for me.

After all how can you truly escape what is hidden within you.