October 30th 2015

         Today I had an anxiety attack that I couldn't control.  And it happened over almost nothing.  I was spending some time with my wife on her lunch break and we were discussing our plans for the weekend and it just came on like a ton of bricks.  The real problem was that it made me treat my wife horribly because I was trying to get my emotions and anxiety under control and failing miserably.  I apologized to her for the way I was but I had already done the damage in my eyes.  I know she understands when I go through these moods, but that doesn't excuse my actions.  And I can't help but wonder if anyone else has the same feeling after a bad battle with depression?  If anyone reads this and has the same problem, could you let me know how deal with it?  I just feel lost in my own head right now.

September 29, 2015

     I have been having a rough go of it lately.  It seems like I am constantly either enraged by the slightest things or on the verge of wanting to drive into oncoming traffic.  And the worst part is I don't know why I am suddenly having these drastic swing of emotions.  I know that after I started having these swings I started having problems with restless sleep.  I have been distant from my family and friends as well as my co-workers.  It's needless to say that I am going to need to talk with my doctor about possibly increasing or changing my prescription for antidepressants.  I am sorry to any who read this if I come across as being complacent, I just need to get this off of my chest and out of my head.  Thank you to any who stick through this ramble with me.

The Albums That Formed The Music Of My Life

    In the 34 years I've lived there have been a number of albums from many different genres that have shaped my life musically.  I like to pride myself on having diverse tastes in music, mostly because of the different people that helped introduce me to the different albums.


"Ride The Lightning"- Metallica (1984)
   

             I was given a copy of Ride The Lightning by the older brother one of my sister's friends after it didn't sell in his garage sale.  and up until that point I had listened to mostly the country music my mom listened to.  The 70's rock that my dad was fond of.  And the 80's rock that my sisters would listen to while getting ready in the mornings.  But then I put Ride The Lightning into my cassette player.  Fight Fire With Fire is the first song of the album.  So as the tape began I heard an opening riff that sounded like it belonged in a renaissance festival.  Then it slowly transforms into the furious thrash riffs that Metallica was known for in their early days.  I had never heard anything like it before.  I remember listening to the cassette all of the way through both sides, and then starting the whole tape over again.  I recognize that there are better albums from Metallica, like Master Of Puppets.  But Ride The Lightening will always have a special place in my heart for the fact that it opened my eyes to a new type of music.


"Dirt"- Alice In Chains (1992)

       For a long time I stayed away from any band that got lumped into the "grunge" category.  Mostly because I feel that Nirvana is one of the most overrated bands of the 90's.  But thankfully I eventually gave up that particular hang up.  And it wasn't long before I started down the rabbit hole of Alice In Chains.  While all of their albums are really strong, it is "Dirt" that continues to blow my mind.  From the opening screams and riffs of "Them Bones" to the closing of "Would?" it is probably one of the most solid albums ever written front to back.  And it is still one of my go to albums when I want to get lost in the true beauty of what music can be.

"Korn"- Korn (1994)
       

         I found this album at the perfect time in my life.  I had a lot of anger and resentment towards my family and peers.  And in retrospect it was probably also the point in time where my depression was really starting to make itself known.   The first Korn album is still the strongest album the band ever released.  And it was the perfect album to help me work through all of the problems I was facing at that point in my life.  The song that really hooked me was "Faggot", because I had been picked on by many of the "cooler" guys in school.  Many times being called such names because I was way more emotional than most.


"The Very Best of Chicago: Only the Beginning"- Chicago (2002)

         Now I had heard Chicago a lot growing up.  Mostly from the little time I got to spend with my dad while he was in the military.  So later on in life when I got the chance to borrow this album from my parents I jumped at it and I remember listening to it beginning to end over and over.  First it was just because of the nostalgia of remembering the songs from being with my dad.  But then I started noticing the true beauty of the music they had produced.  Especially their early music with the full horn section and amazing song writing.  Don't get me wrong, the ballads they put together during the eighties were still better than most.  But that early stuff was just so much above everything else.


"Motley Crue"- Motley Crue (1994)

         The only album that The Crue released without Vince Neil.  Their self titled album so different than everything that came before or after it.  With the addition of John Corabi taking over vocals and playing rhythm guitar it was just a completely new sound.  Motley Crue got away from the party anthems about booze, drugs, and women.  And instead chose to use their music to comment on the world around them.  I think it is because of how different it is that made me really love listening to this album.  It has a real bluesy heavy feel that just never came across in the rest of the Crue's catalog.  And I always got the feeling that the members had a lot of fun writing and playing the music.  The only mistake that was made was the choice to make it a self titled album from Motley Crue.  And from reading Motley Crue's biography "The Dirt" the band felt the same.  In fact they wanted to release the album under the title "To Death Do Us Part" or even change the name of the band since it was neither the same band or sound on the album.




         

November 17, 2014

 

        I recently discovered a song that made me think of the way I have felt about myself since my teenage years.  I always felt a darkness in my mind, but when I would ask my mom about depression in my family she would lie and tell me it was all in my head.  I don't know what my mom's thought process was for doing it, but it made me feel even more isolated from the world.  

     When I met my wife I was so afraid that she would see the darkness inside and run away, or hate me for it.  Because of everything I had been through I saw myself as this horrible person that no one could ever care for if they knew who I really was inside.  Ten years later she is still by my side and helps me with my more severe bouts with my depression.  But there is still that fear in the back of my mind.  It was about four years ago that I found out that most of my family also battles depression on a daily basis.  So atleast now I don't feel so alone in my battle.

    But anyway the song I found is Monster by Imagine Dragons, It is now one of many songs I have found to help me cope with my constant battle with my own mind.

     Thanks to anyone who reads this.  And to anyone who ever needs top talk to someone about their battles I can say from experience that it helps to get it out.  And I will gladly listen.  Just comment on this blog and I will be happy to help anyone who needs it.

Laws of the Heart

had my emotions walled off from the world.

And you showed me how to feel again.

So I gave you all I had to give.

Never have you betrayed my trust.

The emotions of life are complicated.

They’re like an amusement park ride that never ends,

and never slows down.

It’s easier to handle when you have somebody riding with you.

There are few unbreakable truths.

To be loved. You must first truly love.

You can only hurt another. Once you have been truly hurt yourself.

These are the major laws of the heart.

The Muse

I stand before you, my soul laid bare.

I feel uncomfortable, but trust you with all of me.

You look back at me not judging me for my sins.

But with understanding, and compassion for my want to change.

How do I move on?

How can I atone for what I have done?

You smile and help me pick up the pieces.

Gently putting me back together.

You show me I’m not alone anymore.

You don’t care where I have been.

You don’t hate me for what I’ve done.

You only see the best parts of me.

The parts I can’t find myself anymore.

I take your hand.

You take my heart.

Together we walk the path to my redemption.

Together we find the way.

The way to happiness.

You lead me back when I stray.

And show me who I truly am.

You are my own muse.

Cycle of the Storms

The grass sways in the wind.  a storm is coming.

The scent of the rain hangs on the spring breeze, announcing the coming storm.

Thunder rolls in the distance like bombs in the sky.

Lightning flashes, illuminating everything for brief moments.

As the storm creeps closer, the world gets quiet.

Nature holds it’s breath.

preparing for the impending plunge.

The rain starts like a faucet with a small leak.

A small drip here or there.

The Thunder roars right over head.

As the next bolt strikes the downpour starts.

It’s the nature of things.

The storm comes through to clean the world.

Rain falls heavier still.

giving new life to all it touches

When the rain has stopped, and the thunder quieted.

The earth is left fresh.

Animals emerge from their dens and hiding spots.

They survey the new world.

Nature can begin it’s cycle again.